Somehere I Belong
by Digidynasty
Summary: This is a song fic, from Kratos POV. It's spoken towards Lloyd as Kratos is confronted with decision to either stay with Mithos and destroy his son, or become the father he always wanted. But it all depends on one thing...where does he belong?


Somewhere I Belong

I stand besides Lloyd and his companions as the embodiment of my hatred smirks smugly in self-proclaimed victory. Yes, Kvar - the man responsible for Anna's demise - reveals to Lloyd that experiment A012 was none other than his mother. Kvar had the nerve to call her a "filthy female host" in my presence, only infuriating me further. He knew it was me, but for whatever reason he decided to keep my identity a secret, probably having been told by Mithos about my undercover mission to bring in the new child of mana. If Lloyd were not here, Kvar, I would rip you apart and you know it. But such emotional, passionate bloodshed was not something I wanted my son to see.

It was the same dilemma I had the day Anna died. Even though she had been turned into some warped creature and no longer resembled my faithful and endearing love Anna, I could not bring myself to kill her. Despite the fact that she didn't recognize me, or our son, caused me a strange sense of sorrow. I had never been happier than the day Anna gave birth to Lloyd. And now that same child, three years later, had seen his mother transformed into this green and white gurgling monster.

In my indecision, Anna attempted to strike Lloyd down, but thankfully Noishe had been there and protect him, attacking the creature on the arm. It was then I knew what I had to. It still pains me to remember her human face falling over the side of the cliff - her spirit finally freed of the exsphere's influence - glistening tears escaping down her cheeks as she mouthed _I love you_ to me. Yes, I had been the one to kill her, but it was Kvar who transformed her into that monster.

When he once again disrespected her name and mine as well, I felt myself speaking before I could stop myself. "Do not speak ill of the dead." My teeth are clenched and my hands are balled into fists, yet it takes all of my self-control to keep further composure.

He looks me right in the eye and replies, "Ha ha ha! Who cares? They were both just a couple of filthy humans - worthless maggots."

Kvar, it is you who are the worthless maggot and I will see your body speared at the end of my sword. I swear it.

My son lashes out and takes a powerful step forward. "Don't you ever talk about my parents like that!" Lloyd…would you say the same thing if you knew the truth? Inside my heart I fear you will one day find out who I am. No, I know you will find out. As our paths crossed once more and I discovered beyond my wildest dreams that you are indeed alive after all this time, I am forced to appear before you not as Kratos - your father - but as some mercenary working for another pay off.

__

What will you think when I reveal to you my true intentions? No, I can't think about that now. As we make our retreat, my thoughts drift back to Anna and how much I missed her.

Time passes and after infiltrating Kvar's human ranch a second time, I am once again confronted with Anna's murderer. You will not escape my wrath this time, Kvar. There are legends about an angel that served on the right hand side of the Goddess Martel, created to punish those evil creatures that threatened her children. Did he exist or is he as made up as the rest of Martel's teachings, created by Mithos himself for his own ends? You have been chosen, Kvar, and I am indeed that angel of death…of _retribution_ for your evil deeds.

You go on about your mana cannon as if I will not follow through on my threat. I did not feel much before I met Anna, but after she entered my life, I was opened to a whole world of emotion: love… as well as hate. It is with that hatred that I will end your life here and now, if not for Anna then for Lloyd's safety as well. My son's anger mirrors my own and we unsheathe our swords as one. "Get ready!" He tells the rest of our party. I am ready, Lloyd. Let us see if Kvar is… "You're not gonna take this away from me!"

The battle is tougher than I expected, but our combined strength prevails and Kvar falls against the cold metal floor of his precious control room. Lloyd sheathes his swords and holds a hand over his exsphere…Anna's exsphere. "I did it Mom. You have been avenged."

Yes Anna, your murderer is dead, but can you really rest in peace now? Have I done all I can to put your soul at ease? The group begins to speak about Chocolat, but I hear none of it. My thoughts have recently been consumed with you and because of my carelessness, I do not see Kvar rise to his feet and attempt to take away another precious person in my life. "Look out!" The Chosen shouts and jumps in front of Lloyd, taking the blunt of the hit.

Lloyd reacts quickly and stabs Kvar in the chest with one of his swords. Kvar, you despicable, vile demon, you dare try and take him away as well? My hand moves without thought and I find myself standing before my nemesis, my sword stabbing a second wound through his black heart. "Kratos…you pathetic-inferior being!" He calls me as blood pools out of his wounds and mouth.

Pulling out my sword, I am filed with a rage like no other and despite the presence of my son by my side, I slash across Kvar's body, "Feel the pain," _Anna, my love…_ I slash again, "Of those _inferior_ beings," _Forgive me…_ I sheath my sword as the man who took you away from me falls at my feet in a puddle of his own diseased blood, "As you burn in hell!" _Of what I am forced to become._

When this all began I had nothing to say

And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me

__

I was confused

And I let it all out to find

That I'm not the only person with these things in mind

__

Inside of me

But all the vacancy the words revealed

Is the only real thing I've got left to feel

__

Nothing to lose

Just stuck, hollow and alone

And the fault is my own

And the fault is my own

The city of Asgard stands before us and I hear you say to yourself, "Mom, you have been avenged." Saddened by my dark deed of the past, I approach you and take a seat next to you as the rest of the group goes into the city for a much needed rest. You like being alone more and more, and though I wish to save you from a similar fate to my own, I am forced to recede. "Are you sure, Lloyd? Kvar was not the one who killed your mother…it was your father." Though most in your situation would be depressed and lost right now, you shake your head at me and smile. "But Kvar was the one who turned her into a monster forcing my dad to do what he did." Knowing I am prying into the subject more than a mercenary would, I run my hand through my hair and play off my interest. "Of course, it was a silly thing to bring up."

Thankful you carry Anna's…lack of insight concerning certain things, you brush off the conversation and enter the city behind your friends. You continue to search for your father, but will you be disappointed when you find out it's me? Knowing it was my sword, the same weapon I use to protect you and cast my healing magic, that ended the life of your mother? I've never stopped wondering if could've found a way to save her without killing her. The Eternal Sword holds many powers. Could it have cured your mother…my Anna, as well? Unfortunately, it is in the past and I must be satisfied with the fact that I will never find the answer.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

What I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long

__

Erase all the pain til it's gone

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

Like I'm close to something real

I wanna find something I've wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

I stand within the Tower of Salvation, my arms crossed in disappointment. I had hoped you would see through Mithos' plan before the Chosen fell into such a state, but it was not to be. You meant to protect her and instead you have condemned her…so wrong yet so similar to what I will be forced to do. I am the enemy Lloyd, don't you see? I only wished to protect you from that day I saw you at Martel's Temple near Iselia, to keep you out of these messy affairs until I could bring Mithos' plan for the Age of Lifeless Beings to an end, but instead you too may become as dead as Colette, a mere puppet to Mithos and nothing more.

"I am of Cruxis, the organization that guides this world." Guides…ha! More like controls. But I know Mithos is watching, so I must continue. "I am one of the Four Seraphim sent forth to keep close watch over the Chosen." Yes, that is who I really am, Lloyd. I see the same hatred burning in your eyes that you had for Kvar as you face me. I never wanted it to come to this, but after sacrificing my humanity for a cause I no longer support, I have no choice. I may be called an angel, but I too am a demon. What will you do now, Lloyd? Will you fight me as you did Kvar? Will you kill me?

Part of me hopes so, so that I may end this pathetic existence and be rejoined with Anna on the other side…if she'll even want to be with me now after all this. I tell you that this is what you wanted all along, but even I know that it's a lie. You fought all this time, for the people you care about and those you don't, people you know and some you'll never meet. You tried to save the world in order to save Colette and to save face after Iselia. You would never drop to the level I have, would you Lloyd? "Dammit! You think I'm going to let you do that! Colette is our friend!"

You jump head first into battle, clashing your sword against mine, hoping my death will save your friend. Well, Lloyd, it won't. There's still Mithos and even if you managed to get to him in Derris-Kharlan and destroy him, Colette will still be a lifeless puppet. There is a way to cure her, but the process was lost with the end of the Kharlan War. Would you even believe me now if I told you?

You fight well, but I'm holding back. I would never be able to face Anna if I destroyed the one thing that existed as proof of our love, forbidden as it may have been. You manage to strike me down and I fall to one knee, more emotionally exhausted than physically. "It's time to finish this!" You raised your sword above my head. I pray you succeed Lloyd. Manage to do…what I could not.

Suddenly behind me Mithos appears and smirks down at me. "I guess not even you could bring yourself to fight against such an opponent." Yes, think that is the reason, Mithos. Were you ever to know the truth, you would surely destroy Lloyd merely to cause me further pain and ensure my continued loyalty. Mithos goes into battle with you and though you gave a valiant effort, his power far outmatches yours and I am once again trapped within my own indecision.

The Renegades come and you're teleported away to safety. Hmm, perhaps Anna is watching over you after all. I'm glad. "Kratos, let us leave." My master commands. "As you wish." I reply, though with no more enthusiasm than I ever did. I look to the spot where I saw you fall, the pillar still broken in half. "Saved by the Renegades. Don't die, Lloyd." I'm happy, but anxious as well. We will meet again, and you will no doubt wish to cross blades with me again. Could you tell I was holding back? Of course, and because of this you will want a fair fight. When the time comes, I promise you I won't hold back. Whatever I become or do before our battle, I will not disrespect you and fight at half strength. I will fight with everything I've got, as will you, and the fates can decide what happens after that.

I've got nothing to say

I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face

__

I was confused

Looking everywhere only to find

That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

__

So what am I?

What do I have but negativity?

Cuz I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me

__

Nothing to lose

Nothing to gain, hollow and alone

And the fault is my own

And the fault is my own

Mithos, preoccupied with your constant intervention, I am given the chance to gather the needed materials for something that may bring about my redemption after all. In the books of old, it spoke of a Ring of the Pact which could be used to wield the Eternal Sword and therefore gain the summon spirit Origin. If I were to create such a ring, would you wear it and use Origin's might to dispel of Mithos? If Mithos were to fall, would Anna forgive me for my atrocities? Would you?

I search for Adamentite in the snowy hills of Flanoir's continent and in a chance meeting, I run into you. "What are you doing here, Kratos?" Obviously your anger is still burning within you. I say something about wishing to watch the full moon, and of course you accuse me of lying. Don't you understand that it doesn't matter what I'm doing now? This isn't about just you and me! You have to be the one to succeed against Mithos where I have failed. Plain and simple. When that has been accomplished, we will have our battle. Perhaps then I will be freed from this numbing existence. You're shivering from the cold, but someone like me…can't feel the cold. Can you imagine living 4,000 years and not being able to feel the warmth of your baby's skin against your own? Regret fills my heart as I retreat your presence to continue my search.

Fate decides to punish me further when we run into each other once more inside the busy streets of Meltokio. We cannot fight here, for chance of hitting innocents, so I know you won't try anything. The girl with you, she is the one I needed to speak with. Sacred wood is used for the fire during the forging of the Ring of the Pact, so here I am. You believe my intentions are purely for Mithos. Open your eyes Lloyd! I'm no longer on his side! I'm on yours! My son has been returned to me. How can I continue to pretend like his life - your life - doesn't matter the world to me when it does? Time is running out Lloyd. Save Colette and defeat Mithos. I know it's a lot but I have faith in you. I have to…

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

What I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long

__

Erase all the pain til it's gone

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

Like I'm close to something real

I wanna find something I've wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

The time has come.

Mithos is gone and in order to reunite the two worlds, you'll need Origin and the power of the Eternal Sword. Defeat me and Origin's seal will be released. Here, deep inside Treant Forest is where it will all end. Here is where I keep my promise to you. I've held you back, deceived, and misled you for far too long and yet in spite of all this, you have succeeded and made it this far. I could not be prouder. "So...you've come." I want to say so much more, but emotion is not what is needed here. This will be based on pure skill alone.

"Is there no other way?" You ask.

"Are you still thinking like that?" I reply in a dark tone. "You'll die if you fight me with any doubt left in your heart. If you want the pact with Origin, then you must defeat me." This will be the final fight. If I destroy you, I will be condemned forever - and the world with me. If you win, Lloyd, you will save your world and set me free. If death awaits me, so be it!

"So, that's your way." You tell your friends to stay back and I can't help but feel surprised.

"You're going to fight _alone_?"

Calmly you face me and hold out your arms to the sides. "It's your wish to settle things with your past and as your son, it's my duty to see you through it." I meet your gaze, but it appears you've seen past mine and peered straight into my soul. My past life, including my mistakes, is something I've hidden from everyone around me. Anna never pried into my past, never cared what I had done, only what I could do now and what I could become. But you, out of nowhere, have seen past my century old barriers as if they were nothing but glass.

As we face off with each other, father versus son, I clench my trusty sword with determination. Forcing my own fears and doubt into the back of my mind, my angelic wings flare out behind me. Though some would see them as beautiful, they are my constant reminder of the mistakes I made and the precious woman in my life that paid for it with her life.

"I'm not gonna hold back this time." I assure you as I gather my mana.

You raise one of your swords and point it at me. "I know, I won't either." Your voice sounds scared, but I know like me, you have been ready for this since the Tower of Salvation. But Lloyd, I wonder, do you also wish to prove yourself to me? Kratos, the man who was first your teacher before he became your father. I stand by what I said before: you and Mithos are so alike, yet your spirit is stronger than his...stronger than you realize.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

What I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long

__

Erase all the pain til it's gone

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

Like I'm close to something real

I wanna find something I've wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

A silent signal is sent between us and the battle begins. Rushing at you, I jump forward with a thrust of my sword, but you easily deflect it to the side. Too bad that wasn't my main attack. From above you my lightning strike rains down upon you, throwing you backwards. A second bolt slams into you and already I'm setting up my next spell.

As my mana reaches its max I shout, "Grave!" and summon a rock pillar beneath you. From the sky I hear you shout, "Tempest!" and you avoid my earth attack while landing blows with your swords. I recovered as quickly as I could, but from behind me I hear "Twin Tiger Blade!" Tossed up into the air, I became disoriented but twice you struck me and slammed me back into the ground.

The rest of the fight is a blur and I still don't know what happened, but before I knew it my mana was almost out and I fell to my knees in exhaustion. You stand there, swords out, not saying anything. Sweat pours down my face as I bow my head in shame and defeat. "You've grown strong." I admit.

"Thanks to you." Why is your voice so gentle even at a time like this?

"Aren't you...gonna finish me?" My breath comes out raggedly and I curse myself for being so weak.

You sheathe your swords and shake your head when I look up expecting the final blow. "I've defeated Kratos, the angel, the one who betrayed us. And I forgive Kratos, the hero of the Ancient War, who helped us. That's all."

You're forgiving me? Can it be that fate has decided I should live instead of die? No, I would not be so lucky. There is still Origin's seal. "Hmph, and I thought I'd finally earned the right to die. But you're as softhearted as ever." Your kindness makes completing this even harder. Getting to my feet, I turn my back to you once more and slowly approach the stone.

"Hold on! You can't be...are you going to break the seal?" You ask me as if you didn't already know.

"That...is what you desire, is it not?" If I cannot give you happiness in any other way, let me at least make my death meaningful for you. No matter what happens to me, you must succeed, Lloyd, or it will all be in vein.

"But then you'll..." Ignoring your protests, I release Origin's seal and feel the last of my mana drain from my body. Exhausted I collapse backwards and the world goes black. I don't remember hitting the ground and vaguely remember you calling out my name.

"Don't worry, he's alive. I gave him some of my mana." That voice...Yuan? What is he doing here?

"Da...Kratos. Are you really okay?" Were you going to say what I think? Do you truly see me as that which I have not been for these last fourteen years?

I half open my eyes and see your worried face gazing down at me. "Looks like I've failed to die once more." Will my continued existed be as cursed as the last four thousand years have been, or will they be blessed now that you've returned to me?

Balling up your fists, you suddenly get angry. "You stupid jerk! You can die any time! But when you die, that's the end." Would that be so bad? The chance to be the father I wanted to be for you disappeared when you did.

My age old friend Yuan looks at him with the understanding that our lives are different than anyone else's. "You want him to live in eternal damnation?"

"Who said anything like that? What will you accomplish by dying? Nothing! There is no meaning in dying!" But there seemed to be so much less meaning living the life I was. Will I be able to enter your life once more and get a second chance to be the parent I always wanted to be? To tell you stories of your mother's beauty and ever cheerful smile? If that's my fate, perhaps life...isn't such a bad idea after all.

"You're right. To think, I had to have my son teach me such an obvious lesson." My exhaustion is worst than I thought and the blackness returns once more. But when I awaken, perhaps one life will end and another can begin. That will be what I pray for in my dreamless sleep. A continued life with my son.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own

And I will never feel anything else

Until my wounds are healed

I will never be anything 'til I break away from me

I will break away

I'll find myself today

Much consideration has gone into my decision and though you may not understand, it was not an easy one to make. The repercussions of Mithos' organizations is something I alone must bear, for I was apart of it. Though I wish with all my heart I could remain by your side, I know I cannot. Dirk has been your father when I could not and I know you would attempt to recreate that which was lost. But Anna entrusted him with you and I am not yet worthy to be completely reintroduced into your life.

And until that time comes, I will return to Derris-Kharlan and watch over you from afar. That is why we're standing here now, at the point where the Tower of Salvation used to stand, regally overlooking the worlds. It was also here that I first revealed to you my true identity - as it were. If the time comes, when we are ready...I will return and perhaps our father-son relationship can be rekindled. For now, I am grateful for the time I was blessed to have with you, and I know you will be in good hands - Dirk's _and_ Anna's.

Speaking of your mother...you have her eyes. Though most will say your resemble me, you will always carry with you, her everlasting spirit and strength. And now, as proud as I am to say it, my swordsmanship and wisdom. May the Goddess Martel always look over you. And of course - don't die, Lloyd...my son.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

What I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long

__

Erase all the pain til it's gone

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

Like I'm close to something real

I wanna find something I've wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

And now I have.


End file.
